Thank you!

Our girls bring joy to our life!

Dear Friends,

Just a quick note to acknowledge and thank you all of you for your comments and e-mails in response to my posts.  Your words mean a lot to us and give us much needed strength and comfort.  Thank you also for continuing to spread the word about Tim and asking your friends to pray for us.  It is this way that God works to find us the help we need.

Love always!

Guessing Games.

I have not felt like writing on the blog lately, nor have I felt like talking to or seeing anyone.  Often times, I write page after page that  turn out not to be blog material.  But it is after I write those pages out of anger, frustration, defeat, hurt, and desperation that I am able to see things from a different perspective.  Now, as I write this post, I realize I have not yet written enough venting pages, so I apologize for pouring onto you some of my untamed emotions.

On Tuesday, August 9, Tim had a biopsy and by Friday, August 12, his Oncologist reported that the pathology results showed that the cancer was unchanged. "Exactly the Same."  There are no traces of dead cancer cells or scar tissue and the cell activity is identical to the previous biopsies.  This could mean that either: 1) the chemo and radiation are merely containing the tumor, or 2) that neither the chemo nor radiation have been successful and the cancer has not grown or metastasized because it is such a slow growing tumor.  Tim's Oncologist added that based on the non-responsiveness of the cancer to the treatments, Tim's cancer could very well be a Chondrosarcoma.

"HEAVY SIGH!"

And so...as we continue to play this guessing game...Tim will begin yet another type of outpatient chemo this Friday, August 19 for a total of 6 cycles.  Each cycle consists of Gemzar® to be administered on day 1 followed by a combination of Gemzar® and Taxotere® administered on day 8.  This treatment will be done 3 times before he is rescanned and the treatments completed.  In the meantime, Tim continues to increase the dose of his medication as his pain intensifies.  And I continue to feel helpless as I watch him struggle with his pain and discomfort.

Tim has undergone numerous treatments that have debilitated him and changed him inside and out.  I just miss HIM. I miss MY TIMMY and more than anything, I miss ME.  It crushes me to see Tim suffer so much and to see him trying to be tough and put a smile on his face for the girls and guests.  It pains me that as much as I try to be strong, I am actually quite broken and can't provide any comfort to Tim.  I spend my days ignoring my tiredness and numbing my feelings just so I can get through the everyday motions of my dull days: work, house chores, meals, kids activities, and the kids' demands of my time and attention.  I have been running on empty for much too long and just don't know how much more I can continue to do so.

As I laid in bed last night, I remembered a scene from the movie, Forrest Gump, in which he suddenly stands and takes off running.  Forrest runs for a long time, across the country and until he releases his frustration and makes peace with himself.  Though, I felt the urge to get up and run, I thought, if I get up...I may never come back!

I am constantly put to the test, especially during my weakest moments.  I feel evil attack me and weigh me down as I struggle to stay focused and grasp on to my faith.

Although I am not feeling strong, I choose to continue to carry my cross, as Tim carries his, with the Lord on our side until God's Will be done!

Being Thankful

Hello family and friends,

I do not have much to report on Tim's treatment at this time.  Tim's Oncologist has recommended that another biopsy be done to determine what we are up against. Scar tissue/dead cancer cells? Or active cancer cells which are not going to let us win without a good fight?  The biopsy results will determine if Tim should continue treatments as previously planned or if a different plan is best.  I will report on this as soon as I know something specific.

For now, I would like to shift my attention and use this post to contemplate on the good things that have come out of the bad.

We would like to take the time to be thankful for all the kindness that we have experienced during these very difficult times.  We have witnessed God's wonderful work all around us and we have received many blessings through all of you.  We have experienced kindness from our family, our friends, and even from total strangers.  You have reached out and helped us despite the fact that we have nothing to give to you in return.

After Tim's last treatment, he had to stay at his parents' home because the girls were sick and were taking antibiotics.  When Tim was due back, some of our wonderful neighbors got together and mowed our front lawn and made it all nice.  Even the younger kids helped babysit Maegan so I could get other things done.




Darrin mowing our lawn

Kiley, Pete, & Darrin raking the leaves





The babysitters: Meghan and Emily playing with little Maegan

On different occasions, friends have mowed our lawn while we are not home so that we can come back to a nice cut lawn.  They don't say a word, but we know who came by.  Other times we find meals and treats left by friends at our door, or nice cards with encouraging words in our mailbox.

Our meal, dessert, and even fun goodies for the girls.

Friends at St. John Fisher

Friends at Johnson Controls

We are grateful for all you have done for us.  We are thankful for those of you who show us your support in other ways.  Those who think of us and pray for us daily and who invite others to join.  It is what you do for us, even if you feel is too small to mean anything, that mean more to us than we could ever say in words.  Your kind gestures give us comfort when we are discouraged, love when we feel abandoned, and re-energize us when we feel like we just can't go on.

Prayer is powerful!  It keeps people together and brings out so much love and compassion in us.

The Statue of the Blessed Mother is visiting our home for the week.

Let's continue to pray for all of us and for so many others who have yet to experience God's love and mercy.

Thank you!