Final Words

Dear Family and Friends,

February 27 will mark one month since Tim left this world to join our Father in Heaven.  While I know Tim is happy and at peace, this has been a month of struggle for me.  A big part of me died with Tim that day and I just can't imagine how I will ever recover.  I sit here in total disbelief.  I keep telling myself: "Any minute now, he'll be back."  I feel it won't be long before Tim walks through the front door, with his beautiful smile, and takes all this pain away.

Many of you told me you admired my strength throughout Tim's journey.  But I must tell you now, it was not my own strength, but God's strength, which carried me through what I believed to be the hardest challenge I would face.  I realize now, that the toughest challenge for me began the morning of January 27: my own life journey.  I know God is still with me offering to help.  Yet, my own fears blind and weaken me and keep me from taking God's hand when I need Him most.  The road ahead of me will be rough!  But I know I will be fine if I just allow my self to trust completely in God and let Him show me the way.

Even though this will be my last post, know that I will think of you often and never forget your kindness.  Thank you for allowing me to share Tim's journey. Thank you for loving us, praying for us, encouraging us, supporting us, and for being by our side the whole way through.

I would like to end my blog by sharing a slide show of some of many photos of Tim's life, as well as our last words about him.

The day of Tim's funeral service was truly beautiful.  That day was filled with Tim's presence and with the love from all of you, whom Tim loved so much.  Please keep Tim's memory alive in your hearts.

Thank you and God bless you all!

Final words (Eulogy):


From Andrea:

"I've had such a hard time accepting Tim’s passing that I could just not make myself write a eulogy.  I just had no idea how to begin nor if I would have the strength to speak today.  Compared to many of you, I knew Timmy for a short while. St. John Fisher is where I met Timmy and where our life together begun, 10 years ago.
I thank God for the honor and the gift of having Tim in my life.  Reflecting back on our life together, I now realize that God had a plan for us.  He put Tim in my life at a crucial time for me, when I needed it most.  And as I reflect further, the only thing I seem to remember from Tim’s marriage proposal to me, is Tim saying that he knew I would always take good care of him.  I know he was not referring to the battle he fought with cancer and the care giving needs he required, but God sure was.   Tim changed my life around.  He made me a better person and taught me the true meaning of love.  And I sure hope that I took care of him the way Tim hoped I would.
I still remember the first day I met Tim.  I remember him walking into the office with his goofy-like walk.  Perhaps many of you know which walk I am referring to.  Tim was always a kid at heart and always made us laugh one way or another.  He was so easy going and had the kindest heart.  He was just so amazing.  He was so respectful, thoughtful, and unselfish.  My entire family fell in love with Tim as quickly as I did.
I am so sad that he is not with us anymore and I just can’t stand the fact.  But I know he is no longer suffering and he is finally home with God our Father.  I know that if he were able to say anything to you today, it would be this: “Thank you for being an important part in my life and I hope I made some difference in your life as well."  He would also want you to be happy for him and smile whenever you think of him.
I know he is here with us today in spirit, and I want to say: Tim, rest now in the arms of our Father, you are sorely missed but we will keep you alive in our hearts through the many memories you have left for us.
As I said before, I knew Tim for the latter part of his life, so I am begging you to share photos and stories of his earlier years, so that I may share them with my girls and keep the memory of Tim alive in our hearts.
In closing, I want to share this beautiful message I found.  I think it is exactly what Tim wanted to say to us all."
"Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free; I took His hand when I heard him call; I turned my back and left it all.  If my parting has left a void; then fill it with remembered joy.  My life's been full, I savored much; good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.  A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss; ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.  Perhaps my time seemed all too brief; don't lengthen it now with undue grief.  Lift up your hearts and share with me; God wanted me now, He set me free."


From Maren:
"As I was searching for words that I could say relating to Tim's childhood I said a prayer to the Holy Spirit and these are the words that came to my mind: "This is my beloved son of whom I am well pleased."  And this describes how Frank and I feel.  Tim was a happy baby.  He kept himself occupied and gave up naps early on.  He was such a funny kid.  It didn't take long for us to realize Tim had a good sense of humor.  There is one story that I will never forget.  Around age 4, Tim had a new friend named Julian.  One evening while our family was at the dinner table one of the boys asked: "what kind of potatoes are these?" I answered: "They are Julienne potatoes." And at that moment, Tim took a fork full of potatoes and before he put it in his mouth said: "Bye-Bye Julian!!"
In closing, there is a poem that I want to share with you by e. e. cummings titled: I Carry your heart with me.
"i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)"


From Andy:
Andy shared beautiful memories of Tim that portrayed the strong bond that they had as well as reminded us of Tim's great sense of humor and personality.  I hope to be able to add Andy's words to Tim in the near future.


From Jose (my Dad):
"Today I want to say Thank you to my son in-law, Tim Fowler, for teaching me a valuable lesson.
We all knew Tim as the great son, husband, father, brother, and friend that he was.  When Tim became ill he remained in good spirits and demonstrated strength through it all.  Even though he suffered greatly and went through such a rough time, he kept the same positive attitude and great personality he always had.  And so he taught me that when our time should come, we must not be afraid and fight back, but accept it with courage and dignity.  Thank you Tim!"




"Love bears all things
Believes all things
Endures all things
Love never ends."
1 Corinthians 13: 7-8

Funeral Services for Tim

Dear Family and Friends,

Please join us as we bid farewell to our beloved Tim.

The Funeral Mass will take place on Tuesday, January 31, 2012 at 11:00 am at St. John Fisher Church (5448 Crest Road, Rancho Palos Verdes, CA 90275).  Followed by the Committal/Burial at Green Hills Cemetery (27501 S. Western Ave, Rancho Palos Verdes, CA 90275).

I also want to thank those of you who have already sent me stories and photos of special memories you have of Tim.  These stories will be a great gift to my girls as it will keep Tim alive in their hearts for many years to come.  There will be a basket there that day for anyone else wishing to drop off stories or pictures.

Please continue to pray for our family as we continue our own journey without our Timmy in our lives.

May God bless you!

Peaceful Departure

Dear Family and Friends,

Our beloved Tim, My dear sweet Timmy, passed away, peacefully, this morning at 7:30.  He was feeling OK on Monday, but his health quickly declined and by Thursday, we just knew it was close.

Funeral arrangements are being prepared and I will disclose the details soon.

I have a big favor to ask all of you.  I want to compile a book that contains stories about Tim's life.   He was such an amazing person and I want to have those memories to read to my girls and share with all of you.  But I can't do this alone.  I need your help. I have about 10 years worth of stories to tell you about my Timmy. But I am missing 24 more years of his life.

It would be such a dream to me to obtain from you a short or long story, or as many as you should remember, and if you have pictures as well that would be wonderful.

If you would like to participate, please e-mail, mail, hand deliver, etc., whatever story and/or picture you would like to share about Tim.

Thank you!

Little Miracles

Dear Family and Friends,

January 10, 2012 marked one year since Tim's diagnosis...One Year! (Sigh!)

Many images of the time gone by flash before me as I watch my Timmy sleep, taking one breath after another.  I sit here struggling for the right words to describe what is going through my mind and my heart and wonder what I should or shouldn't share.

I have heard the phrase: "take it a day at a time" on numerous occasions.  In fact, I have used this phrase myself many times during my life.  Except, until a few months ago, I didn't truly understand or literally followed its meaning.

I closed the year with a post that focused on all things good and chose to omit a few events.  However, I feel that I should share some of these events with you in order to tell you how we feel God has been present in our lives and granted us miracles thus far.

Sometime after Thanksgiving, Tim woke up with excruciating pain and shortness of breath.  It was the first time, since Tim's diagnosis, that I had seen Tim in such agony, so I knew his pain was truly severe.  Oxygen was immediately given, a morphine pump was placed a few hours later, and a few medications were added to control Tim's symptoms.  We were also told that Tim's illness was progressing and more than likely, he would have to remain flat on his back from that point forward.   A few days later, Tim began to feel better and was even able to sit up in bed.  Thanks be to God!

In early December, on the night of my birthday, Tim was feeling so badly, that he said his goodbyes to me, told me his wishes, and apologized to me if he were to expire that night.  I didn't sleep at all for the rest of the night, and instead prayed and stayed close to him.  The next day, Tim woke up feeling a little better and he continued to feel better everyday after that.  As I shared with you in my previous post, Tim was even able to get out of bed, into a wheelchair, and out of the house on the day after Christmas.  We were so thrilled and thankful to God.

Over New Year's Day weekend, Tim's blood pressure decreased and his heart rate increase to levels of concern and we were advised to prepare ourselves.  But once more, Tim stabilized and began to feel better a few days later.

Tim is truly amazing.  While some days are not so good, he continues to fight, remains hopeful, optimistic, and calm.  Tim's love for us, his endurance, and strong faith, inspire and strengthen me.

Just as our children ask us freely for many things hoping we say "yes", we too should continue to ask God, our Father, to grant Tim the miracle of healing and hoping he answers "yes!"  Likewise, as we know what is best for our children when we answer "yes" or "no" to them, we too should trust and accept, that whatever God grants us, is what He, as our Father, knows to be best for us.

We have asked God, our Father, for many things this last year and we are so thankful to Him for the times he has answered "yes."  We are also very thankful to Him for always answering "yes" when we ask for his guidance, comfort, and strength to keep going forward when we feel we just absolutely can't.

I am so thankful to God for my daughter Katie.  She has been amazing through this journey as well and has grown so much.  She wakes up in the mornings and gets ready for school by herself, does schoolwork by herself, takes such good care of her little sister, Maegan, and makes sure our pets are fed.  Katie has even taken the initiative of doing some chores around the house to help out. I am so proud of her.

Thank you to all of you for continuing to pray with us with an open heart.  Thank you to all of you for your continued support. I have tried to send personal "thank you" notes, but I just can't seem to keep track of where I left off.  So, I want to make sure you all know how much we appreciate all the help you have given us and continue to give us.

Before I finish my post, I'd like to invite you to join a fundraising effort that a friend of a friend of Tim's is putting together to help our family.  The Ministry Exchange, 8320 La Palma , Buena Park, CA 714-501-8469.  Monday, January 30, 2012 from 10 am to 9 pm. Visit their Facebook page or call them for more information.(http://www.facebook.com/#!/events/365958100096860/).

Thank you. May God bless you all!

Awaiting 2012!

Dear Family and Friends,

I can't believe it has been over a month since I have posted updates.  Time has just slipped so fast. There is so much to share, but I want to get my last post of the year done, so I will summarize.

We are still gathering to pray for Tim and all of our sick brothers and sisters at St. John Fisher Church (5448 Crest Rd, Rancho Palos Verdes, CA 90275) every Wednesday at 2:45 pm for about 45 minutes.  You are all welcome to join us for all or part of the time.  If you can't make it to the Church, you are welcome to join us in prayer wherever you happen to be.

Wednesday Prayer Group.

The Knights of Columbus' Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser was wonderful.  So many of you came from nearby or far, brought a friend or two, and filled the room with so much love!  The Beach Reporter News also placed a beautiful article to spread the word about the dinner  (http://www.tbrnews.com/articles/2011/12/02/redondo_beach_news/news03.txt).

Family and Friends filled the hall.



Knights working hard.





Dressed in Vikings shirts for Tim!




The Knights!













Thank you to my wonderful neighbors for supporting Jodi's garage sale!

All smiles!

Thank you to all of the St. James school families who have helped us in so many ways and to the St. James Student Council who collected funds for us at the Father-Daughter Dance. Wish I had a photo to share!


Thank you to the St. John Fisher Student Council for having a hot chocolate and donut sale to raise funds to help us and for such beautiful card!

Thank you to the Alessandra, Burr, and Olson Familes for hosting a wine tasting fundraiser.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year!  Both Tim's family and mine gathered together and had a great time and a delicious meal.

Thank you Don for cooking the delicious Turkey!

We enjoyed our Christmas and hope you all did too!

Thanks to some of Tim's wonderful friends who built a ramp outside our house, and to Tim's brother, Andy, who put a concrete sidewalk, Tim was able (for the first time since coming home from the hospital) to get out off his bed and outside the house to breathe some fresh air.  We were all so thrilled! 

Taking Daddy for a ride!

As this year ends and a new year begins, we would like to say THANK YOU to all of you who have stuck with us and supported us in any way! We love you!  May you all have a blessed 2012!





Join us!

Dear Family and Friends,

Tim came home from the hospital on November 10.  He is doing OK under the circumstances, but it will take time for all of us to adjust.



Welcome Home Daddy!

During this most difficult time, your love, prayers, and generosity is what sustains us and keeps us going.  So many wonderful things are happening around us and we just can't even describe the feeling.  We are so thankful!

We would like to invite you to join us in some upcoming events that are being organized by family and friends.

We need all the prayers we can possibly get and we need your help:

Our dear friend, Claudia, has organized a weekly prayer time at St. John Fisher Church (5448 Crest Road, Rancho Palos Verdes, CA).  Starting November 30, we will gather every Wednesday at 2:45 pm to pray for Tim.  We hope you can join us.

My awesome sisters are organizing prayer times through an online video conference site.  I will be posting detailed information on this very soon.

Our dear friends from the Knights of Columbus (Council 1990) will host a Spaghetti Fundraising Dinner to help us. It will take place on Friday, December 2nd, 5 pm - 8 pm at the K of C Hall (214 Ave. I, Redondo Beach).  The price will be $10 for adults and $5 for children. The Council will match the proceeds of the dinner.  We hope you can join in their effort and enjoy a good meal with us.

My kind neighbors got together and had a garage sale last Saturday and will be having a second one on Saturday, December 3rd!

We would like to wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!  We give thanks to God for all of you!

God bless you always!

Days to Come...

My dear family and friends,

Thank you for coming to Tim's party and showing him your love and support.  We recently received a copy of the video from the party for Tim to enjoy.  We also, have yet to open your cards and read your words of love and encouragement.  You all made this event so amazing and I hope you enjoyed yourselves! Thank you also to all of you who had the chance to swing by the house and say a quick hello to Tim.  We all felt God's presence through your love and friendship. God bless you!

On Saturday evening, Tim became ill and after a rough night, we decided to transport him to the ER. Tim was admitted on Sunday morning and will remain in the hospital for a few more days. Tim was having a little trouble breathing, but is now able to breathe just fine on his own.  His lower body was numb and tingly, and his legs weakened substantially. Three different MRI scans and other tests revealed that the cancer has grown and has intruded into the nerves of his spinal cord. In addition, a new mass was found in another part of his spine.

Tim's medical case was reviewed by several Oncologists, Neurosurgeons, and Radiologists in search of options for treatments or procedures.  After careful analysis and much discussion, it was determined that the risks outweighed the benefits it could possibly provide.  Thus, after prayerful consideration, Tim will remain in the hospital for a couple of days and will then be allowed to come home with hospice care.

We thank all of you for your prayers and support. And we ask that you continue to pray for Tim and all of us.  That God may continue to comfort and strengthen us as we go forward and May God heal us and grant us peace.

God bless you!

Short Update

Dear friends,
Tim completed treatment cycle three of six on Monday, October 17, and was scanned the following day. The results of the scan were given to us, by Tim's Oncologist, on Friday, October 21.
The scan revealed that the chemotherapy was not successful. Tim's Oncologist reported that the tumor remains unchanged. However, he informed us that additional nodules were found in Tim's lungs and that some had increased in size since the last scan. Based on the scans and his expertise, Tim's Oncologist felt that the cancer has spread to Tim's lungs. Tim's Oncologist recommended that we pursue a clinical trial, as was previously recommended by a specialist in LA. We have met with a Sarcoma doctor in Santa Monica to explore clinical trials and we are also seeking other treatment options.
Although the news were not good, we continue to put our trust in our Lord and ask Him to guide us and give us the strength we need. We continue to be thankful for your prayers and support and we are especially happy that you will be joining us on November 5th, for Tim's birthday party,to celebrate love and friendship.
(please e-mail me if you have not received the e-vite)

SAVE THE DATE!!!

We will be celebrating Tim's 34th birthday

on Saturday, November 5th, 11:00 am to 3:00 pm.

Come offer Tim your support and encouragement as as he continues the fight!

EVERYONE IS WELCOME!

Formal invitation with details to follow.

Please send me your e-mail or mailing address, if you haven't already,

to be included in this event!

Thank you for your continued prayers!

andigfowler@gmail.com

Where do we go from here?

I wrote this last week but didn't post it.  I seem to be doing more of those "not for sharing" type posts lately.  I realize it has been a while since I communicate with you and I am sorry for that.  I know you are anxious to know what's going on and I just haven't let you in.

Last month, while Katie and I were spending some quality time together, she made a comment to me that tore my heart to pieces.  I considered not sharing this with anyone, but can't ignore the fact that this incident depicts clearly the feeling we have been silently struggling with for some time.

While having a meal together, Katie looked at me in the eyes and asked: "Is Daddy going to be OK?"  I stared back into her eyes, while trying to maintain my composure and replied: "I don't know!"  I took a deep breath and continued saying: "We just have to remember that God is with us!  We have to keep praying and trust it will be OK."  Katie took a couple of bites and then said: "Well, I hope so because... you know what would be so sad?  If the first funeral I attend, ever, would have to be for my own Dad."

We have searched high and low for options but end up right back where we started.  For the last eight months, Tim's Oncologist has done all that he can in an attempt to find a treatment that works in our favor.  But so far the treatment has not responded as we hoped in shrinking the tumor and/or destroying the cancer cells.

Tim's diagnosis and treatment pattern have been confirmed by several specialists.  They tell us that the reason Tim is not getting better is not as a result of incorrect treatment or diagnosis, but the rarity of his tumor.  They say that in order for Tim to be cured, the tumor has to be surgically removed. But it can't be done unless the tumor is reduced in size. 

Just recently, we met and consulted with a Sarcoma specialist in LA.  He took a lot of time explaining Tim's tumor and how it has affected his body and so forth.  He mentioned some possible treatment scenarios and then added an important fact that we don't recall hearing before.  He said that the type of cancer Tim has is not likely to shrink with chemo since the cancer cells are bone-producing.

Now, could it be that I am misunderstanding the facts that have been presented to us by different doctors at different times? Could it be that I have failed Tim and my girls by spending so much time and effort looking for a cure for Tim in all the wrong places?  Or has my lack of aggressively pursuing alternate treatments cheated Tim from being cured? Or could it be that the system is cheating us by not making a cure that may exist available to us now?  I don't know! I really don't know what the answer to any of these questions are. Nor do I have a clue as to how to proceed.

I wish I could say my faith and optimism are strong.  But, they are pretty shaken up at the moment.  So rather than letting myself and my family fall into the depths of defeat and depression, I will focus on our blessings. 

We are thankful for the care that all of the doctors and nurses have given to Tim so far.  We are thankful for family and friends; for your love, friendship, and prayers that keep us going.  We are thankful for all the selfless acts of kindness that many of you have done for us. Especially those of you who have done so without even knowing us personally.  If we have learned anything from our struggle over the last few months, is that love exists, people do care, and God is always near.

I don't know what our future holds, but I do know we want it to involve all of you.  I am planning a party to celebrate Tim's 34th birthday in November.  My wish is that this party is a huge celebration of life and friendship.  I would love for all of our family, friends, and our new friends who have played any role in Tim's care directly or indirectly, to join us!  If you are not in my e-mail distribution list and do not automatically receive post updates from me, please send me your e-mail address so I can add you to the e-Vite list for party details.

May God bless you all!

Thank you!

Our girls bring joy to our life!

Dear Friends,

Just a quick note to acknowledge and thank you all of you for your comments and e-mails in response to my posts.  Your words mean a lot to us and give us much needed strength and comfort.  Thank you also for continuing to spread the word about Tim and asking your friends to pray for us.  It is this way that God works to find us the help we need.

Love always!

Guessing Games.

I have not felt like writing on the blog lately, nor have I felt like talking to or seeing anyone.  Often times, I write page after page that  turn out not to be blog material.  But it is after I write those pages out of anger, frustration, defeat, hurt, and desperation that I am able to see things from a different perspective.  Now, as I write this post, I realize I have not yet written enough venting pages, so I apologize for pouring onto you some of my untamed emotions.

On Tuesday, August 9, Tim had a biopsy and by Friday, August 12, his Oncologist reported that the pathology results showed that the cancer was unchanged. "Exactly the Same."  There are no traces of dead cancer cells or scar tissue and the cell activity is identical to the previous biopsies.  This could mean that either: 1) the chemo and radiation are merely containing the tumor, or 2) that neither the chemo nor radiation have been successful and the cancer has not grown or metastasized because it is such a slow growing tumor.  Tim's Oncologist added that based on the non-responsiveness of the cancer to the treatments, Tim's cancer could very well be a Chondrosarcoma.

"HEAVY SIGH!"

And so...as we continue to play this guessing game...Tim will begin yet another type of outpatient chemo this Friday, August 19 for a total of 6 cycles.  Each cycle consists of Gemzar® to be administered on day 1 followed by a combination of Gemzar® and Taxotere® administered on day 8.  This treatment will be done 3 times before he is rescanned and the treatments completed.  In the meantime, Tim continues to increase the dose of his medication as his pain intensifies.  And I continue to feel helpless as I watch him struggle with his pain and discomfort.

Tim has undergone numerous treatments that have debilitated him and changed him inside and out.  I just miss HIM. I miss MY TIMMY and more than anything, I miss ME.  It crushes me to see Tim suffer so much and to see him trying to be tough and put a smile on his face for the girls and guests.  It pains me that as much as I try to be strong, I am actually quite broken and can't provide any comfort to Tim.  I spend my days ignoring my tiredness and numbing my feelings just so I can get through the everyday motions of my dull days: work, house chores, meals, kids activities, and the kids' demands of my time and attention.  I have been running on empty for much too long and just don't know how much more I can continue to do so.

As I laid in bed last night, I remembered a scene from the movie, Forrest Gump, in which he suddenly stands and takes off running.  Forrest runs for a long time, across the country and until he releases his frustration and makes peace with himself.  Though, I felt the urge to get up and run, I thought, if I get up...I may never come back!

I am constantly put to the test, especially during my weakest moments.  I feel evil attack me and weigh me down as I struggle to stay focused and grasp on to my faith.

Although I am not feeling strong, I choose to continue to carry my cross, as Tim carries his, with the Lord on our side until God's Will be done!

Being Thankful

Hello family and friends,

I do not have much to report on Tim's treatment at this time.  Tim's Oncologist has recommended that another biopsy be done to determine what we are up against. Scar tissue/dead cancer cells? Or active cancer cells which are not going to let us win without a good fight?  The biopsy results will determine if Tim should continue treatments as previously planned or if a different plan is best.  I will report on this as soon as I know something specific.

For now, I would like to shift my attention and use this post to contemplate on the good things that have come out of the bad.

We would like to take the time to be thankful for all the kindness that we have experienced during these very difficult times.  We have witnessed God's wonderful work all around us and we have received many blessings through all of you.  We have experienced kindness from our family, our friends, and even from total strangers.  You have reached out and helped us despite the fact that we have nothing to give to you in return.

After Tim's last treatment, he had to stay at his parents' home because the girls were sick and were taking antibiotics.  When Tim was due back, some of our wonderful neighbors got together and mowed our front lawn and made it all nice.  Even the younger kids helped babysit Maegan so I could get other things done.




Darrin mowing our lawn

Kiley, Pete, & Darrin raking the leaves





The babysitters: Meghan and Emily playing with little Maegan

On different occasions, friends have mowed our lawn while we are not home so that we can come back to a nice cut lawn.  They don't say a word, but we know who came by.  Other times we find meals and treats left by friends at our door, or nice cards with encouraging words in our mailbox.

Our meal, dessert, and even fun goodies for the girls.

Friends at St. John Fisher

Friends at Johnson Controls

We are grateful for all you have done for us.  We are thankful for those of you who show us your support in other ways.  Those who think of us and pray for us daily and who invite others to join.  It is what you do for us, even if you feel is too small to mean anything, that mean more to us than we could ever say in words.  Your kind gestures give us comfort when we are discouraged, love when we feel abandoned, and re-energize us when we feel like we just can't go on.

Prayer is powerful!  It keeps people together and brings out so much love and compassion in us.

The Statue of the Blessed Mother is visiting our home for the week.

Let's continue to pray for all of us and for so many others who have yet to experience God's love and mercy.

Thank you!

No Change...

It is with great disappointment that I share these news.  Tim's Oncologist reported "no change."  The tumor as quoted in the impression is: "8.4 x 10.2 x 14 cm posterior mediastinal/anterior paraspinal mass in the mid and lower chest, displacing mediastinal structures anteriorly and resulting in cortical destruction of the T8, T9 and T10 vertebral bodies."

So what's next?  A total of four more treatments of Etoposide and Ifex.  However, they will have to wait until Tim is stronger.  A follow-up appointment on August 3 will determine when treatments will begin.

We were left with two possible explanations of why the tumor's size is unchanged:  1) there may be scar tissue due to radiation or 2) the chemo is merely containing it.  Tim will be rescanned after two treatments and if there are no signs of regression, the last two treatments will follow.  After the four treatments are completed, Tim will be rescanned once more and monitored for any traces of cancer. 

What this all means?  Your guess is as good as mine!  Neither good or bad news, I guess.  We left the appointment feeling disappointed and confused.  However, even though we did not obtain the good news we were hoping for, news that would give us the needed strength and encouragement to continue the journey, we remain faithful that it will all be OK at the end.  We have nowhere else to go then forward. With that in mind I will end my post this way:





Katie turned 11 on Friday!



Beach Cities Relay For Life Cancer Walk 2011

  



Dancing!



A lap in support of Daddy

 

Fight Cancer!

 

Words of encouragement!



Go Tim!





Luminarias

Thank you to all of you who have stuck with us and taken the time to support us and encourage us despite your busy schedules and the hustles of everyday life!  It means more than words could say.

Do You Believe In Miracles?

Three times since last week, I began to write a post but couldn't seem to complete them.  My first post was of me venting and feeling I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am.  My second post was of frustration, since Tim was very sick through his entire treatment.  My third post was of faith and joy, after I read a book: "Why Not Me" - A true story about a miracle in Miami by Raymond Rodriguez-Torres.  This is such a wonderful short story, which I highly recommend. This book really recharged my energy and made me feel that despite all the ups and downs, we are on the right track.

For many weeks I had a feeling and thought of loneliness and abandonment.  I kept asking myself this question: "Why do I feel so alone and forgotten despite the fact that so many friends and family are showing their love and support?"  I must have asked myself that question repeatedly for over a month until I recently realized that I have been missing many important details that have happened in our lives that are clear signs of God's work.  I also realized that I continue to try to take control of the situation instead of giving complete control to our Lord and allowing him to show me the way.

This week was the hardest week for me.  I have never been more tired and emotionally drained. We were so happy that Tim came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon.  But then, later that evening, Maegan became very sick, so I stayed up with her most of the night trying to sooth her and bring her high fever down.  Today, I took both Maegan and Katie to the doctor.  The doctor gave them both antibiotics and told us we had to keep Tim and the girls apart for 5 to 7 days to prevent Tim from becoming very ill and being hospitalized again.

There are so many things going through my mind and so many emotions in my heart that it is really hard to explain and put them in writing.  Perhaps that is the reason I just couldn't finish my previous post attempts and can't seem to make a decent post out of this one either.  So I will end this post with the only glimpse of clarity in my mind and in my heart.

Tim will have a scan on July 21, exactly 9 days from tomorrow (7/13).  I invite all of you to join in fervent prayer every day for the next 9 days.  I would also encourage all of you to invite your own friends and family to join in and pray for Tim's healing.  We really need all the prayers we can possibly get.

Do you believe in miracles? Let's believe and pray together that God will grant a miracle of healing for Tim!

Thank you!

Making the Most of it!

A bit of what we hope is a sign of progress...

Tim mentioned to the doctor yesterday, that he had not taken any pain medicine for the last few days. Tim added that his pain was not completely gone but it was tolerable. Tim had been on daily pain medication for almost a year so this has to be a good sign!

Tim's next round of chemo is scheduled for July 6, followed by a shot of Neulasta to help his expected low blood count to replenish. We are hoping that things will go better this time around and that Tim will not have to return to the hospital with any complications. We are also hopeful that these treatments will be effective. A CT scan will be done on July 21 and a follow-up appointment with the Oncologist is scheduled on July 25.  The results of the scan will determine the next course of action.

July 10 will mark 6 months since Tim's diagnosis. Our lives have dramatically changed, our future has become very uncertain, and many days have been emotionally draining and depressing; but, we try to keep busy, remind ourselves that God has a plan, and make the most of the good days.

During the last 6 months, I have also learned to do things that I never had an interest or a need to learn.  Mostly, because Tim took care of such things, like home repair and upkeep, but also because Tim spoiled us and did so many more things for us that we could have otherwise done ourselves.  Some of my learning experiences have been frustrating, while others have been rather funny.  I like to recall the funny ones instead.  Like the first time I attempted to mow the lawn and ended up covered in dirt and grass because I failed to secure the waste bag on the lawn mower.  Or the time when I used the edger for the first time and left a curvy edge with some bare patches instead of a straight and clean-cut edge.  There is a most recent incident, in which it took me a good 15 minutes of failed attempts to air a bike tire, before I realized that I was just taking the air out.  Apparently, there is an additional piece that should be attached to the end of the hose in order for it to work.  It is moments like these that help alleviate some of my stress.

Our days are normally low-key and quiet, but this weekend was a busy one.


Katie & Maegan Decorating plates with Daddy to use at home.



 

We started the weekend by taking the girls to Color me Mine for a little fun & to Islands for dinner on Thursday.

Katie & Maegan keeping Daddy company in the waiting area.

Early Saturday morning, Tim had both of his bottom wisdom teeth removed.



 

Later that Saturday morning, Maegan had a blast on her first day

of her Music and Movement class.



Katie & Maegan enjoying music time.



Katie & Maegan enjoying tumbling time.

 





On Saturday evening, Katie enjoyed her first clay spinning wheel class!
She had been begging to go since last year.

Katie molding the clay.



Katie's finished work of art.



On Sunday, I edged and mowed the lawn and then, with my sister's help, trimmed a big bush (in the background) that has grown out of control.
Thanks Maggie!

After I mowed and cleaned the yard, Maegan played and cooled off with the water sprinkler.

We finished our weekend the best way possible by attending Sunday evening Mass!

Maegan walking next to Daddy on the way out of Mass while holding her favorite hat and purse.

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." 

I praise God for the many blessings he has given to us during our life and pray for the strength and courage to trust and accept his will.  Thank you  to our family and friends for being with us in this journey.  God bless you!