Thank you!

Our girls bring joy to our life!

Dear Friends,

Just a quick note to acknowledge and thank you all of you for your comments and e-mails in response to my posts.  Your words mean a lot to us and give us much needed strength and comfort.  Thank you also for continuing to spread the word about Tim and asking your friends to pray for us.  It is this way that God works to find us the help we need.

Love always!

Guessing Games.

I have not felt like writing on the blog lately, nor have I felt like talking to or seeing anyone.  Often times, I write page after page that  turn out not to be blog material.  But it is after I write those pages out of anger, frustration, defeat, hurt, and desperation that I am able to see things from a different perspective.  Now, as I write this post, I realize I have not yet written enough venting pages, so I apologize for pouring onto you some of my untamed emotions.

On Tuesday, August 9, Tim had a biopsy and by Friday, August 12, his Oncologist reported that the pathology results showed that the cancer was unchanged. "Exactly the Same."  There are no traces of dead cancer cells or scar tissue and the cell activity is identical to the previous biopsies.  This could mean that either: 1) the chemo and radiation are merely containing the tumor, or 2) that neither the chemo nor radiation have been successful and the cancer has not grown or metastasized because it is such a slow growing tumor.  Tim's Oncologist added that based on the non-responsiveness of the cancer to the treatments, Tim's cancer could very well be a Chondrosarcoma.

"HEAVY SIGH!"

And so...as we continue to play this guessing game...Tim will begin yet another type of outpatient chemo this Friday, August 19 for a total of 6 cycles.  Each cycle consists of Gemzar® to be administered on day 1 followed by a combination of Gemzar® and Taxotere® administered on day 8.  This treatment will be done 3 times before he is rescanned and the treatments completed.  In the meantime, Tim continues to increase the dose of his medication as his pain intensifies.  And I continue to feel helpless as I watch him struggle with his pain and discomfort.

Tim has undergone numerous treatments that have debilitated him and changed him inside and out.  I just miss HIM. I miss MY TIMMY and more than anything, I miss ME.  It crushes me to see Tim suffer so much and to see him trying to be tough and put a smile on his face for the girls and guests.  It pains me that as much as I try to be strong, I am actually quite broken and can't provide any comfort to Tim.  I spend my days ignoring my tiredness and numbing my feelings just so I can get through the everyday motions of my dull days: work, house chores, meals, kids activities, and the kids' demands of my time and attention.  I have been running on empty for much too long and just don't know how much more I can continue to do so.

As I laid in bed last night, I remembered a scene from the movie, Forrest Gump, in which he suddenly stands and takes off running.  Forrest runs for a long time, across the country and until he releases his frustration and makes peace with himself.  Though, I felt the urge to get up and run, I thought, if I get up...I may never come back!

I am constantly put to the test, especially during my weakest moments.  I feel evil attack me and weigh me down as I struggle to stay focused and grasp on to my faith.

Although I am not feeling strong, I choose to continue to carry my cross, as Tim carries his, with the Lord on our side until God's Will be done!

Being Thankful

Hello family and friends,

I do not have much to report on Tim's treatment at this time.  Tim's Oncologist has recommended that another biopsy be done to determine what we are up against. Scar tissue/dead cancer cells? Or active cancer cells which are not going to let us win without a good fight?  The biopsy results will determine if Tim should continue treatments as previously planned or if a different plan is best.  I will report on this as soon as I know something specific.

For now, I would like to shift my attention and use this post to contemplate on the good things that have come out of the bad.

We would like to take the time to be thankful for all the kindness that we have experienced during these very difficult times.  We have witnessed God's wonderful work all around us and we have received many blessings through all of you.  We have experienced kindness from our family, our friends, and even from total strangers.  You have reached out and helped us despite the fact that we have nothing to give to you in return.

After Tim's last treatment, he had to stay at his parents' home because the girls were sick and were taking antibiotics.  When Tim was due back, some of our wonderful neighbors got together and mowed our front lawn and made it all nice.  Even the younger kids helped babysit Maegan so I could get other things done.




Darrin mowing our lawn

Kiley, Pete, & Darrin raking the leaves





The babysitters: Meghan and Emily playing with little Maegan

On different occasions, friends have mowed our lawn while we are not home so that we can come back to a nice cut lawn.  They don't say a word, but we know who came by.  Other times we find meals and treats left by friends at our door, or nice cards with encouraging words in our mailbox.

Our meal, dessert, and even fun goodies for the girls.

Friends at St. John Fisher

Friends at Johnson Controls

We are grateful for all you have done for us.  We are thankful for those of you who show us your support in other ways.  Those who think of us and pray for us daily and who invite others to join.  It is what you do for us, even if you feel is too small to mean anything, that mean more to us than we could ever say in words.  Your kind gestures give us comfort when we are discouraged, love when we feel abandoned, and re-energize us when we feel like we just can't go on.

Prayer is powerful!  It keeps people together and brings out so much love and compassion in us.

The Statue of the Blessed Mother is visiting our home for the week.

Let's continue to pray for all of us and for so many others who have yet to experience God's love and mercy.

Thank you!

No Change...

It is with great disappointment that I share these news.  Tim's Oncologist reported "no change."  The tumor as quoted in the impression is: "8.4 x 10.2 x 14 cm posterior mediastinal/anterior paraspinal mass in the mid and lower chest, displacing mediastinal structures anteriorly and resulting in cortical destruction of the T8, T9 and T10 vertebral bodies."

So what's next?  A total of four more treatments of Etoposide and Ifex.  However, they will have to wait until Tim is stronger.  A follow-up appointment on August 3 will determine when treatments will begin.

We were left with two possible explanations of why the tumor's size is unchanged:  1) there may be scar tissue due to radiation or 2) the chemo is merely containing it.  Tim will be rescanned after two treatments and if there are no signs of regression, the last two treatments will follow.  After the four treatments are completed, Tim will be rescanned once more and monitored for any traces of cancer. 

What this all means?  Your guess is as good as mine!  Neither good or bad news, I guess.  We left the appointment feeling disappointed and confused.  However, even though we did not obtain the good news we were hoping for, news that would give us the needed strength and encouragement to continue the journey, we remain faithful that it will all be OK at the end.  We have nowhere else to go then forward. With that in mind I will end my post this way:





Katie turned 11 on Friday!



Beach Cities Relay For Life Cancer Walk 2011

  



Dancing!



A lap in support of Daddy

 

Fight Cancer!

 

Words of encouragement!



Go Tim!





Luminarias

Thank you to all of you who have stuck with us and taken the time to support us and encourage us despite your busy schedules and the hustles of everyday life!  It means more than words could say.

Do You Believe In Miracles?

Three times since last week, I began to write a post but couldn't seem to complete them.  My first post was of me venting and feeling I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am.  My second post was of frustration, since Tim was very sick through his entire treatment.  My third post was of faith and joy, after I read a book: "Why Not Me" - A true story about a miracle in Miami by Raymond Rodriguez-Torres.  This is such a wonderful short story, which I highly recommend. This book really recharged my energy and made me feel that despite all the ups and downs, we are on the right track.

For many weeks I had a feeling and thought of loneliness and abandonment.  I kept asking myself this question: "Why do I feel so alone and forgotten despite the fact that so many friends and family are showing their love and support?"  I must have asked myself that question repeatedly for over a month until I recently realized that I have been missing many important details that have happened in our lives that are clear signs of God's work.  I also realized that I continue to try to take control of the situation instead of giving complete control to our Lord and allowing him to show me the way.

This week was the hardest week for me.  I have never been more tired and emotionally drained. We were so happy that Tim came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon.  But then, later that evening, Maegan became very sick, so I stayed up with her most of the night trying to sooth her and bring her high fever down.  Today, I took both Maegan and Katie to the doctor.  The doctor gave them both antibiotics and told us we had to keep Tim and the girls apart for 5 to 7 days to prevent Tim from becoming very ill and being hospitalized again.

There are so many things going through my mind and so many emotions in my heart that it is really hard to explain and put them in writing.  Perhaps that is the reason I just couldn't finish my previous post attempts and can't seem to make a decent post out of this one either.  So I will end this post with the only glimpse of clarity in my mind and in my heart.

Tim will have a scan on July 21, exactly 9 days from tomorrow (7/13).  I invite all of you to join in fervent prayer every day for the next 9 days.  I would also encourage all of you to invite your own friends and family to join in and pray for Tim's healing.  We really need all the prayers we can possibly get.

Do you believe in miracles? Let's believe and pray together that God will grant a miracle of healing for Tim!

Thank you!

Making the Most of it!

A bit of what we hope is a sign of progress...

Tim mentioned to the doctor yesterday, that he had not taken any pain medicine for the last few days. Tim added that his pain was not completely gone but it was tolerable. Tim had been on daily pain medication for almost a year so this has to be a good sign!

Tim's next round of chemo is scheduled for July 6, followed by a shot of Neulasta to help his expected low blood count to replenish. We are hoping that things will go better this time around and that Tim will not have to return to the hospital with any complications. We are also hopeful that these treatments will be effective. A CT scan will be done on July 21 and a follow-up appointment with the Oncologist is scheduled on July 25.  The results of the scan will determine the next course of action.

July 10 will mark 6 months since Tim's diagnosis. Our lives have dramatically changed, our future has become very uncertain, and many days have been emotionally draining and depressing; but, we try to keep busy, remind ourselves that God has a plan, and make the most of the good days.

During the last 6 months, I have also learned to do things that I never had an interest or a need to learn.  Mostly, because Tim took care of such things, like home repair and upkeep, but also because Tim spoiled us and did so many more things for us that we could have otherwise done ourselves.  Some of my learning experiences have been frustrating, while others have been rather funny.  I like to recall the funny ones instead.  Like the first time I attempted to mow the lawn and ended up covered in dirt and grass because I failed to secure the waste bag on the lawn mower.  Or the time when I used the edger for the first time and left a curvy edge with some bare patches instead of a straight and clean-cut edge.  There is a most recent incident, in which it took me a good 15 minutes of failed attempts to air a bike tire, before I realized that I was just taking the air out.  Apparently, there is an additional piece that should be attached to the end of the hose in order for it to work.  It is moments like these that help alleviate some of my stress.

Our days are normally low-key and quiet, but this weekend was a busy one.


Katie & Maegan Decorating plates with Daddy to use at home.



 

We started the weekend by taking the girls to Color me Mine for a little fun & to Islands for dinner on Thursday.

Katie & Maegan keeping Daddy company in the waiting area.

Early Saturday morning, Tim had both of his bottom wisdom teeth removed.



 

Later that Saturday morning, Maegan had a blast on her first day

of her Music and Movement class.



Katie & Maegan enjoying music time.



Katie & Maegan enjoying tumbling time.

 





On Saturday evening, Katie enjoyed her first clay spinning wheel class!
She had been begging to go since last year.

Katie molding the clay.



Katie's finished work of art.



On Sunday, I edged and mowed the lawn and then, with my sister's help, trimmed a big bush (in the background) that has grown out of control.
Thanks Maggie!

After I mowed and cleaned the yard, Maegan played and cooled off with the water sprinkler.

We finished our weekend the best way possible by attending Sunday evening Mass!

Maegan walking next to Daddy on the way out of Mass while holding her favorite hat and purse.

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." 

I praise God for the many blessings he has given to us during our life and pray for the strength and courage to trust and accept his will.  Thank you  to our family and friends for being with us in this journey.  God bless you!

Tim's coming home!

Katie & Maegan trying to cheer up Daddy!

Hi Family and Friends,

Thank you all for all the prayers this last few days!  Tim has been released from the hospital and should be allowed to come home in a few hours.  Tim's red blood cell count, white blood cell count, and platelet count decreased to a dangerous level on Thursday and continued to drop while he was at the hospital.  In addition, he acquired a tooth infection due to his weakened immune system.

While at the hospital, Tim received lots of fluids, two blood transfusions (one on Friday and the second on Sunday), a platelet transfusion on Saturday, round-the-clock antibiotics (Zosyn, Fortaz, & another antibiotic) to help with infection, and frequent shots of Neupogen to help his bone marrow bring up his neutrophil levels (white blood cell count).  He was also given Tylenol for fever, Zofran for nausea, Pepcid for irritated stomach, and Morphine, Vicodin, Dilaudid, and Oxycontin for pain control.

Tim was also prescribed an antibiotic to continue to take at home: Augmentin (a combination of Amoxicillin and Clavulanate).  He will have some lab work done in the next few days to determine if additional Neupogen shots are needed.  The next chemotherapy treatment originally scheduled for June 27, may be postponed until Tim's body is able to recover.

Tim is feeling very tired, is still experiencing pain, and has started loosing his hair.  Still, we are just so happy that he gets to come home!  It is always very difficult for when he is hospitalized.  For me, the hardest is feeling torn, and having to split time between our girls and Tim.

We continue to pray that God may grant Tim healing and allow us the opportunity to enjoy our family for years to come.

Thank you to all of you for your prayers, the meals, the notes, the calls, the texts, the talks and everything you all do for us.  Thank you especially to my wonderful Mom who stayed with us for two whole weeks and lightened the burden for us.

God bless you all!