On Tuesday, August 9, Tim had a biopsy and by Friday, August 12, his Oncologist reported that the pathology results showed that the cancer was unchanged. "Exactly the Same." There are no traces of dead cancer cells or scar tissue and the cell activity is identical to the previous biopsies. This could mean that either: 1) the chemo and radiation are merely containing the tumor, or 2) that neither the chemo nor radiation have been successful and the cancer has not grown or metastasized because it is such a slow growing tumor. Tim's Oncologist added that based on the non-responsiveness of the cancer to the treatments, Tim's cancer could very well be a Chondrosarcoma.
"HEAVY SIGH!"
And so...as we continue to play this guessing game...Tim will begin yet another type of outpatient chemo this Friday, August 19 for a total of 6 cycles. Each cycle consists of Gemzar® to be administered on day 1 followed by a combination of Gemzar® and Taxotere® administered on day 8. This treatment will be done 3 times before he is rescanned and the treatments completed. In the meantime, Tim continues to increase the dose of his medication as his pain intensifies. And I continue to feel helpless as I watch him struggle with his pain and discomfort.
Tim has undergone numerous treatments that have debilitated him and changed him inside and out. I just miss HIM. I miss MY TIMMY and more than anything, I miss ME. It crushes me to see Tim suffer so much and to see him trying to be tough and put a smile on his face for the girls and guests. It pains me that as much as I try to be strong, I am actually quite broken and can't provide any comfort to Tim. I spend my days ignoring my tiredness and numbing my feelings just so I can get through the everyday motions of my dull days: work, house chores, meals, kids activities, and the kids' demands of my time and attention. I have been running on empty for much too long and just don't know how much more I can continue to do so.
As I laid in bed last night, I remembered a scene from the movie, Forrest Gump, in which he suddenly stands and takes off running. Forrest runs for a long time, across the country and until he releases his frustration and makes peace with himself. Though, I felt the urge to get up and run, I thought, if I get up...I may never come back!
I am constantly put to the test, especially during my weakest moments. I feel evil attack me and weigh me down as I struggle to stay focused and grasp on to my faith.
Although I am not feeling strong, I choose to continue to carry my cross, as Tim carries his, with the Lord on our side until God's Will be done!
"HEAVY SIGH!"
And so...as we continue to play this guessing game...Tim will begin yet another type of outpatient chemo this Friday, August 19 for a total of 6 cycles. Each cycle consists of Gemzar® to be administered on day 1 followed by a combination of Gemzar® and Taxotere® administered on day 8. This treatment will be done 3 times before he is rescanned and the treatments completed. In the meantime, Tim continues to increase the dose of his medication as his pain intensifies. And I continue to feel helpless as I watch him struggle with his pain and discomfort.
Tim has undergone numerous treatments that have debilitated him and changed him inside and out. I just miss HIM. I miss MY TIMMY and more than anything, I miss ME. It crushes me to see Tim suffer so much and to see him trying to be tough and put a smile on his face for the girls and guests. It pains me that as much as I try to be strong, I am actually quite broken and can't provide any comfort to Tim. I spend my days ignoring my tiredness and numbing my feelings just so I can get through the everyday motions of my dull days: work, house chores, meals, kids activities, and the kids' demands of my time and attention. I have been running on empty for much too long and just don't know how much more I can continue to do so.
As I laid in bed last night, I remembered a scene from the movie, Forrest Gump, in which he suddenly stands and takes off running. Forrest runs for a long time, across the country and until he releases his frustration and makes peace with himself. Though, I felt the urge to get up and run, I thought, if I get up...I may never come back!
I am constantly put to the test, especially during my weakest moments. I feel evil attack me and weigh me down as I struggle to stay focused and grasp on to my faith.
Although I am not feeling strong, I choose to continue to carry my cross, as Tim carries his, with the Lord on our side until God's Will be done!
Oh Andrea, my heart just aches for you all. You may already be doing this (or have decided that it's not for you) but a support group for spouses of cancer patients might provide some support and others who know what you're going through in a way that the rest of us can't. We can all sympathize but we can't really "get" it unless we've been there. But you need an outlet, too. I wish I was there to take the girls for a day so you could have a "you" day. Sending you love and prayers!
ReplyDeleteAndrea, although I don't know you well, I feel like I do from your insightful posts. I continue to pray for all of you - for comfort, hope, healing, support - for things to get better. Tim has to deal with the physical pain; you have to deal with the constant need to be the caregiver & both of you feel bad for each other's pain. Please do not hesitate to reach out for help so you can take some time for yourself, if that doesn't make you feel worse. Thank you for sharing your struggles so we can understand a little better what you all are going through. Love & blessings are all around you! Carla
ReplyDeleteHi Andrea- I just wanted to let you know that although you are doubting your strength right now, reading your post makes me realize how truly strong you actually are. You are an amazing wife, an amazing mother and all around amazing person. I can say all these things without even having met you. Tim is very lucky to have such a strong woman by his side. Nobody should be asked to go through what you and your family are facing right now. I think you are doing the best you can with what you've been faced with and it is inspiring to all of those around you. Keep your faith and know that there are so many people out there pulling for you guys.
ReplyDeleteTricia (Simons) Benton
Andrea
ReplyDeleteThose whose family members gone through the same thing know the emotions you are feeling and truly understand the urge to run. I have learned that the feeling you are experiencing is really the urge to continue fighting for your husband, but it is scary to accept a battle that has no end. You are braver and stronger than you must realize, Tim is lucky to have such a strong and brave wife. God is holding your hand if you ever find yourself crying to sleep. You are not alone, many of us have been in the same situation.
Take Care
Hang in there, girl! God's gifts will be worth more than ALL the pain you are going through. I wish I could scoop up all your fears, frustrations, anxieties and 'guessing games' and throw them all away. But you have been chosen for something that all of us onlookers are too weak to take on. Keep fighting...even when you feel like giving up...even when you feel like you can't go on or want to run away. You are my hero, and Tim's hero, and your girls' hero! I know you never asked to be anyone's hero, and really just want to be left alone. Close yourself in the broom closet or on the back porch and cry until there are no more tears. Then wash your face with some cold water and pick that cross back up. Because Tony and I are praying SO hard for you and your Timmy, God has GOT to hear our prayers and give you your Timmy back.
ReplyDeleteYou vent whenever you feel like it. It allows us all to put ourselves in your world for a little while, and to pray harder and harder until you get answers and no more games. Even in your 'weakness' I see such strength, love and commitment! Give yourself a break and let those who can help you, allow you some time to yourself. Take some of the above advice about support. If you give until there is nothing left, then there is nothing left for Timmy or Katie or Maegan. Take care of you. I will keep asking God to give you the strength you need to make it through all this.
All our love and prayers,
Jeane and Tony
Dear Cousin:
ReplyDeleteAlthough at times it could feel that our strength and faith are leaving us, it's, as a previous poster stated, just the realization of how strong wonderful and amazing wife, mother and human being you are. My heart is with you and hope you know it, I think of you everyday and ask the universe for Tim to heal and you guys can get a break and enjoy each other's company with normalcy. I remain positive that things will get better and light will shed on your journey and we soon celebrate good news.
All the feelings you and frustrations you are going through are normal reactions of any human being in your situation don't fred them, find in them courage and strength to continue the battle.
Please if you ever want to talk or anything you know where you can find me.
Pablo.